Dare to give up

It’s been a while, since we talked the last time. I hope you still remember me. I am the girl who tried to be a professional bellydancer and from what I can tell you now, I failed miserably and I am not going to recover in that domain. But wait. How did I get here?

The last year has been VERY bad for me. I had a nervous breakdown and spent the whole summer in hospital. I had to give up on my self-employment. I gave up all my hope and lived in total despair for quite a while. Now I am getting better and start dreaming again and have a vision of a better future for me.

I am not sure where my life will go, but one thing is sure: I don’t want to be a belly dancer anymore. I am completely done with that topic. Fed up. I have been disappointed so many times, that I cannot enjoy this anymore. I need to find something new to work on.

Long story short: I quit. I give up. I can’t do this anymore. I don’t enjoy dancing anymore and I can’t pretend that I do.

I am still interested in Arabic culture and I am still learning the Arabic language. I am starting to enjoy my life again and I feel better without the dance. Maybe it was never a true passion of mine, maybe I just did it, because it became a routine. It gave my ambitions a way to be embraced. It gave me something to be completely absorbed in. It gave me something to work on, something that I thought about most of the time.

But that is over. I can’t hear it anymore. I don’t want to see it anymore and I don’t want to do it anymore.

Please don’t tell me, that I need to try harder, that one should never give up on dreams, cause maybe that dream wasn’t mine. Maybe sometimes you change and you don’t want to pursue something that you liked before.

I feel that there is a big pressure on people to be successful with something and to keep going no matter what happens. Believe me, I am the Queen of not-giving-up. I tried it for so many years. I worked so hard. I pushed myself to the limits. And I didn’t see that there is no perspective and I am heading nowhere.

I will be happy to say, that I was an ambitious belly dancer in my youth. Of course I am still young. But I will work on other projects now. Weekly blog posts intended.

I am a simple person.

I always thought I was an easy person. Just being me. But people kept telling me, that I am complicated & strange. That it is impossible to understand me. After all that happened, I think they might be right.

But what’s the big deal anyway? Can’t I just be me? Can’t I just be strange & complicated? Why is it a problem to anyone?

I am not here to please anybody. I do my best to avoid people who try to “fix” me, cause I actually like being myself.

I am a simple person. I am not complicated at all. I just do what feels right to me. I don’t like to follow stupid rules.

Sometimes I make mistakes. That is good, cause then I can learn or improve something.

Back to Work

Summer Vacation is over. Everyone’s got back to work. For me this means teaching belly dance three times a week. I was really excited to get myself moving again after six weeks of physical lazyness. And I was so happy to see my students again.

Also I have some ideas to expand my business: to make new choreographies, to think of new challenges for my students, to create a new group in Berlin, etc.

Besides that I want to grow even more when it comes to performances. I want to do more and better shows as a dancer and as a singer. I need to use existing material well and produce new stuff for marketing: texts, images, audios and videos.

Since I am doing this full time now, I hope that I can achieve bigger results than before and I hope that I will be able to pay my bills at the end of the month. But hey, no risk no fun!