Dare to give up

It’s been a while, since we talked the last time. I hope you still remember me. I am the girl who tried to be a professional bellydancer and from what I can tell you now, I failed miserably and I am not going to recover in that domain. But wait. How did I get here?

The last year has been VERY bad for me. I had a nervous breakdown and spent the whole summer in hospital. I had to give up on my self-employment. I gave up all my hope and lived in total despair for quite a while. Now I am getting better and start dreaming again and have a vision of a better future for me.

I am not sure where my life will go, but one thing is sure: I don’t want to be a belly dancer anymore. I am completely done with that topic. Fed up. I have been disappointed so many times, that I cannot enjoy this anymore. I need to find something new to work on.

Long story short: I quit. I give up. I can’t do this anymore. I don’t enjoy dancing anymore and I can’t pretend that I do.

I am still interested in Arabic culture and I am still learning the Arabic language. I am starting to enjoy my life again and I feel better without the dance. Maybe it was never a true passion of mine, maybe I just did it, because it became a routine. It gave my ambitions a way to be embraced. It gave me something to be completely absorbed in. It gave me something to work on, something that I thought about most of the time.

But that is over. I can’t hear it anymore. I don’t want to see it anymore and I don’t want to do it anymore.

Please don’t tell me, that I need to try harder, that one should never give up on dreams, cause maybe that dream wasn’t mine. Maybe sometimes you change and you don’t want to pursue something that you liked before.

I feel that there is a big pressure on people to be successful with something and to keep going no matter what happens. Believe me, I am the Queen of not-giving-up. I tried it for so many years. I worked so hard. I pushed myself to the limits. And I didn’t see that there is no perspective and I am heading nowhere.

I will be happy to say, that I was an ambitious belly dancer in my youth. Of course I am still young. But I will work on other projects now. Weekly blog posts intended.

Tiny Flower is Dreaming

Good Morning, lovely people.

Today I feel like I want to run away from everything.

All the things that I am dreaming of seem so far away. All the challenges that I happily accepted two days ago look like huge and scary obstacles now, while I feel extremely small and weak and powerless.

At the same time I think that I have no right to complain. It was me who chose this path. It’s my very own dream, that I am living. My self-chosen destiny.

Having bad feelings about my big dream feels like betraying myself.

Yet I feel bad. And I am scared. I don’t know what to do and I don’t know where this all leads. I want to hide myself and not go out again repeating the lines of Placebo:

Protect me from what I want!

My new life

Ladies and Gentlemen, I told you that my new life has started but I didn’t tell you what this means. I will do it now 🙂

After a crazy romance and very painful breakup one year ago, I had to rearrange myself completely. In the process of finding out what has caused the big crash, I questioned everything that I was doing as well as everything that I wanted.

I noticed that I actually was never completely happy with dancing.

I tried a lot of different things in my performances, trained and studied the dance carefully, but I never got the feeling that I could actually express everything I wanted to express through dance. There was always something missing and I didn’t know why.

Only when I was at the lowest point of my life and at the very bottom of myself, I realized, that this was exactly the point: Dancing is not enough!
I need to do more! I can do so much more.

I decided to cut down the time I spend with dancing and to take all the time I need to find out what to do. I worked with various teachers and coaches, but in the end it was a friend who brought me to the crucial insight.

In a moment where I was just enjoying myself, singing along some pop song in the radio, he looked at me in a strange way and said:

It’s so beautiful when you are singing.

And I immediately new that this was it. That’s what I need to do: Singing!

So that was what I did. I found new teachers, started taking classes and practiced, practiced, practiced.

And this is now what I want to do for the next 78 years of my life!

You saw already the first results of this: 3 songs I recorded as music therapy. Tomorrow I will show you some videos from my very first concert. It was really good. Stay tuned!

Photo: Udo Hausmann & Katharina Knaak