A Single Shade of Grey – The best times are over?
It is not easy. It has never been. But this year came with so many bad surprises that I can hardly believe it really happened. I am grateful that those did not affect my personal life too much although I felt kind of involved in everything. I learned to distance myself from the bad news and it helped a great deal.
Of course I am not really a princess and I don’t even dream of it anymore. My visions and goals have changed so much over the past year. Emotionally I am not back where I used to be. But it does not help to live in the past.
I like to think that the past as we see it is shaped by our emotions. Bad memories and the day to day struggle fade and we see only the outstanding moments and the good times that are gone now. In our perception the past can be many things. I wish I could use it as inspiration.
But I am so afraid that my best times are already over. This is a real fear! I was so high and I fell so deep. How can I climb this mountain again? I was flying. I spread my wings fearlessly and jumped. The flight was short but very intense and I still nurture from it.
So many things hold me back from flying again. Rational thoughts mostly. I know it was not sustainable. But I loved the intensity of it and I hate the greyness of my life as it is now. I had so many feelings that got numbed. I had so many problems. Now I have just one.
It is time to bring the color back into my life. I don’t know how to do it. I will have to let go of many things. Of security and safety. Maybe the people close to me will not like this step. Like so many of my steps. But if I keep crawling I will never reach the heights that I was born to see. Maybe I will struggle many days and who knows if it will be worth it?
The only constant is change.
That has become a motto for me. It quietly slipped into my life and turned up again and again. I really enjoy an emotional roller coaster. More than a real roller coaster for sure. It makes me feel alive and I need this feeling back. I don’t want to be dying from inside.
But these both extremes can’t be the only options. I don’t know how many shades of grey exist but I am pretty confident that the number of colors is infinite. I can choose one tomorrow and another one the day after. I don’t have to stick with one version.
My favorite color is blue. But I also like orange and red and brown and so many other colors. Why do I feel like I have to choose one? There are many fish in the sea. And even more plastic. We have so many options and we drown between them sticking to what we know. After all we are just tiny little ants.
For me this thought is liberating. If it doesn’t matter what I do, I can choose what I want and what I love. That’s the theory. The practical application is much more difficult. But I choose to be gentle with me and go one step after the other.
I don’t want to be the best version of myself. Who defines what is a good version of me anyways? I don’t want to compare myself not even with myself. Because this brings me back to the good old days where everything was better and I know that I cannot go there.
I have to look forward, pull myself together and be brave again. Ups and downs come and go, what was important once will be irrelevant soon. Still the thought of decay is haunting me as well as the version that I used to be. I was so innocent. I was so full of it. I was naive and in good faith. Confident and bold.
How can I make peace with this best version of myself?
Wrapping up 2021 – Planning for 2022
This year was more or less a quiet year without many great changes. Artistically I made only very small progress. Yes, it was possible to perform again and I spent the first half of the year creating videos. I still have many that I didn’t publish yet. I kind of got back into dancing, at least a little bit.
What was my artistic highlight of the year?
There were many great things. First of all I enjoyed it a lot to record videos in my home. Secondly, I had two performances. After such a long time without performing this was amazing. Thirdly, I had a great Saree-Shooting and a demo session with a drummer.
Not so great were definitely my failed attempts to teach me play the guitar. I was absolutely unable to find motivation for it. Right now I am thinking that I need somebody sitting next to me while practicing. Since I could not convince any of my friends yet to do that I am going to start learning from a teacher.
A bit challenging was the fact that I produced so much material and I didn’t always find the time to edit it. It was also difficult for me to find a consisting posting schedule, so that I would post regularly on Instagram, TikTok and Youtube. If you haven’t followed me yet, please go over and do so.
Do I want to continue this journey?
Dancing will always be part of me or at least of my history, but I might stay on this level of creating videos and barely performing. I already made the decision that it will stay on a hobby level. With my blog back I might engage in conversations and return back to the scene. It is really interesting for me to hear how others went through these difficult times. But mostly I am working on other projects.
What I really want to do in 2022 is start learning to play the guitar with a teacher. I failed big style in learning it by myself and I need some support to accomplish my goals. But this will definitely be the first thing I’ll do.
Other than that I want to continue making videos and uploading them. I have been a bit lazy when it comes to uploading, but I should definitely try to catch up with it. Alltogether Instagram is not my favorite platform. This is also something the last year has shown.
Will Art be a Priority next year?
I’m afraid not. It will stay on the hobby level and will be a nice way to spend my free time, but I don’t want to pressure myself. It is always difficult for me to make art just for the sake of it, because I have big ambitions and I can’t stop myself from pursuing them. But this is actually a very bad habit.
I want to make music for the fun of it, even if I have to learn how to have fun with it first. The guitar should become my best friend and I better start treating her as such. When it comes to dance there is still a lot of material that needs editing which holds me back from creating new things. So I will do one step after the other, edit the existing material and then create new.
What about the Artist Date Challenge?
Believe me, I did not forget about it completely. Just a little bit. I want to continue with it every now and then, not every week for sure. But it was great fun doing it and it inspired me a lot. So I should not quit it.
I am still thinking about my Instagram strategy – maybe there will be none in the end and I just post whatever I want. But for now I really would like to have some fun artist dates.
What about you?
Please tell me about your highlights of 2021 and your plans for 2022.
I wish you the best holidays and a great new year!
Artistic Break aka. Working on other Projects
It has been quiet on this blog and I would like to tell you Why.
I made a brainstorming about my brand Leila Yuliyah. I had been thinking about changing my focus and wanted to start posting different content. Reflecting my brand or persona has however given me another idea: I don’t want Leila Yuliyah to become one of the many persons on the internet that give advice.
Mainly because Leila Yuliyah is an artist and not a teacher.
I want to leave it this way! I want to use this account to experiment, to rehearse and to perform. As a dancer, as a model or maybe in the future as a musician. But I don’t want to give advice about creativity, at least not from her point of view.
I am however working on a new project that will include advice on creativity and many other topics. But it will be in German. I am working heavily on it and have prepared most of the material already. If you are interested in it, drop me a line and I will make sure that you won’t miss the launch.
But I am also working on my bellydance blog Y2B. It is in German, too. At the moment I prepare the bellydance video advent calendar. On 24 days in December I will post bellydance videos. I have been doing this in the past years and it was always great fun. This time I try to engage the bellydance community by including a mini interview from the dancers. I have not come as far as I would have like to come but I think I will manage it until the end of this month.
After that I will launch the new project.
Arcade (Duncan Laurence) – Song of the Day
All I know all I know loving you is a losing game
Leila Yuliyah 