Dare to give up

It’s been a while, since we talked the last time. I hope you still remember me. I am the girl who tried to be a professional bellydancer and from what I can tell you now, I failed miserably and I am not going to recover in that domain. But wait. How did I get here?

The last year has been VERY bad for me. I had a nervous breakdown and spent the whole summer in hospital. I had to give up on my self-employment. I gave up all my hope and lived in total despair for quite a while. Now I am getting better and start dreaming again and have a vision of a better future for me.

I am not sure where my life will go, but one thing is sure: I don’t want to be a belly dancer anymore. I am completely done with that topic. Fed up. I have been disappointed so many times, that I cannot enjoy this anymore. I need to find something new to work on.

Long story short: I quit. I give up. I can’t do this anymore. I don’t enjoy dancing anymore and I can’t pretend that I do.

I am still interested in Arabic culture and I am still learning the Arabic language. I am starting to enjoy my life again and I feel better without the dance. Maybe it was never a true passion of mine, maybe I just did it, because it became a routine. It gave my ambitions a way to be embraced. It gave me something to be completely absorbed in. It gave me something to work on, something that I thought about most of the time.

But that is over. I can’t hear it anymore. I don’t want to see it anymore and I don’t want to do it anymore.

Please don’t tell me, that I need to try harder, that one should never give up on dreams, cause maybe that dream wasn’t mine. Maybe sometimes you change and you don’t want to pursue something that you liked before.

I feel that there is a big pressure on people to be successful with something and to keep going no matter what happens. Believe me, I am the Queen of not-giving-up. I tried it for so many years. I worked so hard. I pushed myself to the limits. And I didn’t see that there is no perspective and I am heading nowhere.

I will be happy to say, that I was an ambitious belly dancer in my youth. Of course I am still young. But I will work on other projects now. Weekly blog posts intended.

Half Dreaming, Half Waking

Again I am full of fear and doubt. But I don’t feel comfortable to talk about it. I was sick and spend most of the day in bed. Half dreaming, half waking. I don’t want to be alone.
I don’t want to live like this.

I am scared. I am upset. I feel very small and irrelevant.
I don’t want to suffer. I don’t want to cry anymore.
I don’t know how to get out of this. I don’t know what to do.
I don’t know why I am writing you…

Tiny Flower is Dreaming

Good Morning, lovely people.

Today I feel like I want to run away from everything.

All the things that I am dreaming of seem so far away. All the challenges that I happily accepted two days ago look like huge and scary obstacles now, while I feel extremely small and weak and powerless.

At the same time I think that I have no right to complain. It was me who chose this path. It’s my very own dream, that I am living. My self-chosen destiny.

Having bad feelings about my big dream feels like betraying myself.

Yet I feel bad. And I am scared. I don’t know what to do and I don’t know where this all leads. I want to hide myself and not go out again repeating the lines of Placebo:

Protect me from what I want!

Wind of Change

One year ago, on this very same day, I met one amazing person who turned my whole life upside down. This acquaintance changed everything and started big transformations in me, my life and my beliefs that are not finished till now.

At this point, I cannot really say, that I am happy, because it have been rough times and it has not been easy at all, but I can say, that I got closer to myself and am moving further into this direction.

I work now on something that I never even imagined I could do.
Although I always dreamed of it, as I must admit.

But I know now, that I can do. And most importantly: I will.

Where all of this leads, is going to be a huge surprise. Not only for me.

You will get a first glimpse of it on June 20. Stay tuned!