The graveyard in the neighbourhood

This week’s artist date was to visit a graveyard. And so I did. I must say that it was not a very pleasant experience. Maybe I should have expected that.

The graveyard was completely deserted. I didn’t see a single person. It was very beautiful in autumn colors and the crows that seemed everywhere created a deadly atmosphere.

It made me really sad and I regretted that I came there in the first place. I didn’t know any of the persons who lay there but I was imagining stories of their life and death.

It scared me to see that life is ending and it can do so at any point. There is no security that our loved ones will be around with us. Sooner or later we will all die.

It was definitely thought provoking, but not in a positive way. Of course it provides a contrast to the daily chaos showing that life has an end and some things are just not important. Although it did not make me reflect my priorities. I haven’t asked myself what I want to accomplish before death.

I felt my loved ones very strongly on this graveyard and I feared loosing them to a place in the earth. I do not fear death for myself, but for the ones that make my life worth living.

Half Dreaming, Half Waking

Again I am full of fear and doubt. But I don’t feel comfortable to talk about it. I was sick and spend most of the day in bed. Half dreaming, half waking. I don’t want to be alone.
I don’t want to live like this.

I am scared. I am upset. I feel very small and irrelevant.
I don’t want to suffer. I don’t want to cry anymore.
I don’t know how to get out of this. I don’t know what to do.
I don’t know why I am writing you…

My Fear of Butterflies

I am really afraid of butterflies! They are so pretty and fragile, moving freely through the air. Peaceful creatures who’d never hurt anyone. They scare me so much!

I am so scared that I might hurt them when they come closer to me! I don’t want to break their wings. I don’t want to destroy them. Whenever I see one, I try to avoid it and go far away!

My life would surely be more beautiful with butterflies. But I really don’t know how I could make their life any more beautiful. For them I’m probably just another roadhouse on their way to heaven.

Tiny Flower is Dreaming

Good Morning, lovely people.

Today I feel like I want to run away from everything.

All the things that I am dreaming of seem so far away. All the challenges that I happily accepted two days ago look like huge and scary obstacles now, while I feel extremely small and weak and powerless.

At the same time I think that I have no right to complain. It was me who chose this path. It’s my very own dream, that I am living. My self-chosen destiny.

Having bad feelings about my big dream feels like betraying myself.

Yet I feel bad. And I am scared. I don’t know what to do and I don’t know where this all leads. I want to hide myself and not go out again repeating the lines of Placebo:

Protect me from what I want!

Music Therapy

Trying something new

Leaving my comfort zone

Conquering myself