My non glamorous life

It’s been a week since I promised regular postings and here I am not knowing what to write. This blog was supposed to be a place for my glamorous life, but now I don’t have a glamorous life anymore. I guess you have to get used to a new me.

I could start describing the life that I am living right now. I work part-time in a software company. We do E-Commerce. I am working as support agent, but I also do a lot of HTML and CSS work. I decided to do a further education in Web-Development and I’m gonna start with this in October probably.

I am still giving dance classes in our studio and I am learning the Arabic language. It gives me great joy to study and practice it. I still dream to move to Dubai, but I don’t know if I will really do it. I hope that I can visit the city next year and then decide if I like it or not.

As you see I lead a normal life and it is not glamorous at all. I didn’t do any photo-shootings for ages and I don’t know when I will find the time to do one. I will continue posting great pictures of me, because I still have some old ones that are pretty good.

I still live in Berlin. I like my home, but I also dream of leaving it and seeing more of the world. I hope that I can do that soon. After I finish my Web-Developer training, I want to become self-employed and I hope that I will have better chances to travel then. Right now I’m lacking the money and also the bravery.

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Dare to give up

It’s been a while, since we talked the last time. I hope you still remember me. I am the girl who tried to be a professional bellydancer and from what I can tell you now, I failed miserably and I am not going to recover in that domain. But wait. How did I get here?

The last year has been VERY bad for me. I had a nervous breakdown and spent the whole summer in hospital. I had to give up on my self-employment. I gave up all my hope and lived in total despair for quite a while. Now I am getting better and start dreaming again and have a vision of a better future for me.

I am not sure where my life will go, but one thing is sure: I don’t want to be a belly dancer anymore. I am completely done with that topic. Fed up. I have been disappointed so many times, that I cannot enjoy this anymore. I need to find something new to work on.

Long story short: I quit. I give up. I can’t do this anymore. I don’t enjoy dancing anymore and I can’t pretend that I do.

I am still interested in Arabic culture and I am still learning the Arabic language. I am starting to enjoy my life again and I feel better without the dance. Maybe it was never a true passion of mine, maybe I just did it, because it became a routine. It gave my ambitions a way to be embraced. It gave me something to be completely absorbed in. It gave me something to work on, something that I thought about most of the time.

But that is over. I can’t hear it anymore. I don’t want to see it anymore and I don’t want to do it anymore.

Please don’t tell me, that I need to try harder, that one should never give up on dreams, cause maybe that dream wasn’t mine. Maybe sometimes you change and you don’t want to pursue something that you liked before.

I feel that there is a big pressure on people to be successful with something and to keep going no matter what happens. Believe me, I am the Queen of not-giving-up. I tried it for so many years. I worked so hard. I pushed myself to the limits. And I didn’t see that there is no perspective and I am heading nowhere.

I will be happy to say, that I was an ambitious belly dancer in my youth. Of course I am still young. But I will work on other projects now. Weekly blog posts intended.